Happy NOW Year
Frosty and crunchy patches of flaxen grasses underfoot and buck naked trees striking a pose, frozen in time. Crisp air stark with winter’s icy breath freshens my lungs with each minty cool inhalation, clouds of warm vapor spilling out in turn. It’s December in Massachusetts, and the only blossom in full bloom is the heart of awareness, in that warm gooey center within. And though this season represents death, reflection, and rest I feel enlivened as I sense the possibilities of life.
Lee, Massachusetts 2018
This year has very much been about doing, making things happen, getting things done.
In April, Roberto and I moved back to the United States after spending the last 3 years of our lives together in an Andean hermitage.
For me, my time in Peru was a continuous stream of simultaneous winters and springs.
Deaths, rebirths, deaths, rebirths.
But from where I stand now, I can see that it was more a death than anything else.
And that upon returning to my homeland, here in the United States, I’ve been reborn.
Baptized in the pools of tears that were shed as I mourned the death of who I once was, and burned a hefty portion of her baggage in a sacred fire ceremony in the forest.
Surrounded by towering eucalyptus trees.
Accompanied by hummingbirds and butterflies galore, and furry moths and spiders as big as your hand.
Even though I knew without a doubt that I couldn’t go on living the way that I had for so many years, I clung to that girl.
She was what I knew.
And she continued to live on and fight against the initiations and invitations to unpeel more layers.
But she was also willing to break down and be humbled.
To be softened in prayer, laying face down on the earth, all of the fight drawn out.
Worn out, worn down, like the smooth curvy pebbles that line the riverbed.
It was the most exhausting endeavor I’ve known yet.
And it was exhausting because I fought it.
I welcomed it, I wanted it.
And when it arrived, my fists went up.
It had always been me against the world.
That was my perception.
That was how I approached life for so many years.
And thus, most things in my life were a battle.
A battle to be seen, or heard, or understood. Or loved.
I had no idea that I lived inside of a carefully crafted bubble, that separated me from everyone and everything.
Including myself.
This was my path, as is for many others, and I hold it close to my heart with high regard.
I wouldn’t change a damn thing.
And I suppose that, in sitting here and reflecting in this way, I am in fact allowing myself to be touched by winter’s grace.
Slowing down and taking a moment.
Being, rather than doing.
Feminine essence pouring forth from me and embracing that, finally.
Calm, surrendered.
Flag flying, white as the snow, with a peaceful smile adorning my face.
I don’t miss that bubble.
Life has never felt more honest, more raw.
Since the bubbles’ been popped, I’m here.
Truly here.
With you, with myself, for us.
I’m so grateful for this opportunity.
So what have I surrendered to?
The moment.
The vast, infinite, fertile moment in all of its wonder and mystery.
Leaning into the ever-changing winds that inspire and animate life.
Spirit moving and expressing through you, through me.
Recognizing the divine in all beings and things.
Surrendering to true intimacy with this moment.
I’ve also surrendered to the cold.
What I mean by that is I’ve chosen to stop resisting and fighting against what is.
If it’s cold, I want to feel the cold express as the tiny hairs all over my body stand at attention and tickle the surface of my bare skin.
I don’t want to miss a single detail of the experience.
I want to be there for it completely.
And surrendering to the cold also means removing all of the protective gear, ie clenched stomach, tightness of breath, reverting to fetal position to guard the delicate insides.
The vulnerable parts.
And instead stretching my arms and chest wide open and taking the deepest breath ever into my lungs and gut.
And through bringing my full awareness to that space, dissolving any industrial-grade constraint that’s freezing or hardening my belly into a plush jelly-like substance.
Malleable and welcoming.
Fearless, and trusting.
THIS TOO, THIS TOO IS WELCOME.
Sho Shin, the beginner’s mind
Because I revere an attitude of Shoshin, the beginner’s mind.
There’s always more to learn and be shown.
Always.
There’s always more opening, more deepening that is possible.
It never stops, that we can be sure of.
But we must be willing to be humble and earnest.
Remember, the fight is exhausting.
Sit up straight, stay awake.
Listen, receive.
Can’t you see?
It’s all for you.
Once upon a time, I feared the frigid nature of winter.
The bitter, black night that doubled as my home and my worst nightmare.
This was my worldview, I resided in the dark night of the unconscious.
Afraid of the pain, afraid of dying, what would come after, essentially, who I would be if not who I had always been.
And now even as I describe winter using a more numinous vocabulary, I maintain that it still represents death.
And that can be scary.
Believe me, I well understand how scary it can be.
The death of old patterns, habits, ways of being that no longer serve.
A complete and total change in everything you’ve ever known or held as truth in your life.
Blissful ignorance hiding inside the idea of comfort and stability.
Stirring the pot, upheaval, starting from scratch.
Becoming a newborn baby wearing adult skins.
Enduring humility and shedding some more.
And then, if steadfast in your earnestness, what follows is deep-rooted understanding and compassion that radiates in all directions, new and exciting opportunities abound because you’re awake, a more joyful, meaningful existence.
Ultimately, presence.
I can’t tell you exactly what’s on the other side of whatever it is you’re going through.
We each have our own storyline to play out.
But what I can share is that if you’re sincere in your approach to life, if you commit to being completely honest with yourself always, that if you take full responsibility for your life and all of your experiences, it could turn out to be the very best thing you’ve ever done for yourself.
It has been for me.
So even though I have many goals and dreams that I wish to work towards and fulfill in this upcoming year, most of all it’s my deepest desire to surrender to the creative forces that vitalize my life as I know it.
However it shows up, whoever or whatever it may speak or act through, that my eyes remain open, my heart and stomach unlocked, that I may choose to rise to the occasion.
And this winter, I lovingly extend my hand to you.
Let’s make snow angels and walk together through this life.
I’ll be your mirror and you can be mine.
Here’s to a Happy *NOW* Year!
With love,
Rachel
JOURNAL PROMPTS
How do you embrace the winters of your life?
How do you respond to the seasons, inner and outer, which call forth from you more stillness, quiet, and surrender?